i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
Walking in on a gay threesome, with a girl in the corner watching and taking vid is a reason to not only knock, but to never go to Savannah.
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
