Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
Don't remember much from last night, but I recall slipping you the tounge. For that I apologize
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
I wish there were birth control emojis
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
Randomize
