The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize
