Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
Randomize