I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
Randomize
