I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
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