I wish my penis had an off switch
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
We convinced her the game "just the tip" was a billiards game. She was asking a couple guys if they wanted to play as we left. I kinda don't want to ask her how the rest of the night went.
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
Randomize
