five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
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