So you maybe wanna hang out again? I could use the $5
Whatever I can do to help stimulate the economy
Who did Billy Mays play for?
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
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