My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
I fail to see the problem of enjoying a glass of wine while I poop...
the point I'm tryimg to make is that you didn't need to take the whole box in with you
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
Randomize