dude i was like still drunk, taking pictures of her while she was naked and asleep and she woke up
haha what'd she say
i don't know man, something about us dating. but i never talked to her sober so i said i was making breakfast and snuck out of her house. close calls man WTF
I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
i always forget guys have bellybuttons
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
