I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
Randomize
