I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
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