My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Randomize
