i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
Randomize
