You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
thanks for showing me a good time......and your penis a few times. Thanks especially for that.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Randomize
