Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
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