Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
