you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
