I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
