just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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