I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
This is your typical drubkba Amy test. Shout out to jisus for auto correct
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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