I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
Randomize
