So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
I can't turn off my feet"
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
Randomize
