Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
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