So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Randomize
