Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
Ill bet we could have atleast fucked a girl who fucked a guy who has fucked tara reid. That's a famous circle right?
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
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