Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
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