He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
That's the 2nd med student that has had his tongue in my butthole, what gives.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
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