I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
doing lines of blow through a tampon applicator in the study lounge at 7am so i can finish an italian composition that was due a week and a half ago...such a good student.
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
Randomize
