respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
She says ass holes are for stuffing, the verb, not stuffing, the noun.
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
