Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
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