he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
Randomize
