Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Randomize
