my phone needs a breathalizer
Ross. Joey. Chandler. Who would you do?
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
jesus, I think that canada gold metal game has completely changed all rules of acceptable drinking habits, I was fucked untill noon and I just got invited to go party when I get off work...at 600am...and NO ONE understood why i was hesitant
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
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