Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
Randomize
