How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
Randomize
