My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
all i know is that each time we woke up we were at a different chinese restaurant. help.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
I think I'm emotionally ready to start being a slut again. I'm excited.
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
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