So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
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