i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
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