Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
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