when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
I wish they made helmets for livers.
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Randomize
