Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
I don't remember how we paid for the cab. I do however remember giving him my heels 2 help with the bill.
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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