Christians are straight up FREAKS
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
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