Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
Randomize
