Also, I'm sitting at a crosswalk watching two Mexican gangs fight each other. I miss you too. A lot.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Randomize
