I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
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