He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
I'm not sure... But I think I just found a porno I starred in during my black out week of '08.
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Randomize
