I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
I was topless in his bathroom sink taking bong rips , goodmorning . He told me he could get use to this
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
Randomize
