How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
It's safe to say that our attempt at trying to fuck in the grand Sierra elevator was a bad idea.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
Randomize
