i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
So let me get this straight. You would sleep with an uncircumcised guy whose name you didn't know, but you won't try the new shrimp taco from taco bell?
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
Pants are for mortals
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
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