This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
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