Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
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