oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
Randomize
