Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Randomize
