Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
Randomize
