I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
i always forget guys have bellybuttons
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
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