On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
is it pathetic that I think he's cheating and it doesn't bother me because for the first time I'm the girlfriend and not the other girl?
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
Randomize
