Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
THERE ARE ENTIRELY TOO MANY HOT UNDERAGE GIRLS HERE FOR THIS TO REMAIN LEGAL.
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
Randomize
