Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
