kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
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