you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
Randomize
