I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
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