My balls are so social today.
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
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