I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
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