Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
Randomize
