i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
I just spent an hour correcting all the grammar and spelling of all the 2pac songs on my ipod
O.A.R does not stand for Old Recycled Abortions.
so she asking me "is it okay to have dangling labias?"
that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
Randomize
